Part 13

Yuna: Hey, that's the aeon we just beat up, right?

Yojimbo: I'll join you. But you gotta pay me.

Tidus: PAY you? What the hell does a ghost need with money, anyway?

Yojimbo: Uhhhhh....errrr...... Hey, look. Do I question YOUR motivations? Just fork over the Gil, blondie!

Tidus: Fine. Whatever. Let's just get this over with so we can get to Mount Gagazet SOMETIME this century...

Kelk: You cannot come in! We Ronso will not allow infidels on our land!

Yuna: But we're the GOOD guys!

Yenke: Likely story.

Biran: Elder Kelk! Let us teach them lesson!

Kelk: No. That Yuna chick. She got balls of steel. Me like her moxie. Let her pass!

Yuna: Sankoo.

Biran: Wait. No weaklings allowed on mountain. That means you, Kimahri.

Kimahri: So... Kimahri must kick Biran and Yenke's ass in order to climb mountain...

Biran and Yenke: Is that problem?

Kimahri: Is not problem. Is pleasure...

*One long, unecessarily difficult battle later...*

Biran: Kimahri hand Biran and Yenke own heads? Biran not believe it. But Biran is happy. Biran feel like shouting to mountaintops.

Auron: Which is probably not the SMARTEST thing to do in what is surely an avalanche-prone area...

Yenke: Ronso not known for being smart. Ronso known for being STRONG! Strong like Kimahri.

The Ronso: Time for a sing-along!

Tidus: Yikes. If THIS SINGING doesn't cause an avalanche, then surely NOTHING will...

Yuna: Oh my. This mountain path certainly looks treacherous.

Tidus: I'll say. Hey, what's up with the boulders with all the junk next to 'em?

Lulu: They mark the graves of summoners and guardians who failed.

Tidus: Gee. Sure are a LOT of 'em. Well, we knew this part of the journey wasn't going to be a party...

Lulu: It IS like a party, actually. The Donner Party.

Tidus: Boy, way to keep up our spirits, Lulu. If this DOES turn into the Donner Party, I vote we eat YOU first.

Rikku: So Tidus... Thought of a way to save Yuna yet?

Tidus: No... but I'm still thinking...

Rikku: You know... Maybe if we asked one of the party members who has a brain to work on this problem...

Tidus: No, that would require logic... And all I have to offer at the moment is..well... leadership!

Rikku: Well then, Fearless Leader... You might want to turn round and look behind you, 'cause I think we've got ourselves a crisis on our hands.

Seymour: Ah, good morrow to you, son of Jecht.

Tidus: Aw hell. Not YOU again! What does it take to defeat you?

Seymour: Whatever it is, you ain't got it!

Yuna: We'll see about that!

Seymour: Ah. You think your puny liturgical dancing can defeat me? Ha! Nothing can defeat me! Just ask the Ronso ... Oh wait. That's right. You can't. I just destroyed them all. Ha ha.

Kimahri: Urge to kill...rising...

Seymour: Come on, Yuna. Be a sport. Help me become Sin. Then all suffering will disappear and blondie's father will be free!

Tidus: What the hell do you know about that? Tell me, or I'll rearrange your face!

Seymour: How about I rearrange it for you? *TRANSFORM*

Tidus: Oh come on, Seymour! Try to show a little originality with your transformations! How about turning into something cute and non-threatening, like a pink fluffy bunny? Just think how humiliating it would be for us to get our asses kicked by a pink fluffy bunny!

Yuna: Or how about a chicken? Or a "Hello Kitty"? Or that "Mini-Me" guy?

Seymour Flux: Look. Do I tell you heroes how to do YOUR jobs? Just shut up and die, okay?

Everyone: No.

*One ungodly HARD battle later...*

Seymour Flux: Is this the end of Zombie Seymour? *glurk*

Tidus: And stay dead this time!

Yuna: Um, Tidus, what did he mean when he said your father would be freed?

Tidus: Ulp. Okay. I suppose it's time I told you. Sin's my dad.

Yuna: Gee. That's too bad. I'll still have to go kill him, you know.

Lulu: You got a problem with that?

Tidus: None whatsoever.

Wakka: Ay yi yi... so...confused... last remaining brain cell....short-circuiting...

Tidus: I see dead pee-pole! And they're nekkid.

Wakka: What da HELL is dis? Dis look like SOME party, ya?

Yuna: These are fayth. And it looks like someone's using them.

Lulu: But who? And for what?

Rikku: Okay Tall, Red and Mysterious. You know somethin'. What is it?

Auron: Sore wa...himitsu desu!

Tidus: Aw forget it. HE won't tell you nothin'. We're going to have to figure this out ourselves. Let's see... what would happen if I were to touch---

The Wall o' Fayth: HEY! Watch where you're puttin' your hand, blondie! *FLASH*

Tidus: Why this looks for all the world like my swingin' bachelor pad back in Zanarkand!

Creepy Kid with Hood: Oh yeah. Right. Like it was really all that swingin'. I bet you've never even had a single girl in here...

Tidus: Have too!

Wakka: Yo! Tidus! What's happenin'? *POOF*

Rikku: Yeah! Wake up already! *VANISH*

Tidus: See? See? That was a girl... Hey... Waitaminute.. If they're trying to wake me up. That must mean this is a dream.

Creepy Kid with Hood: Bingo, Sherlock. But it's not YOUR dream. It's OUR dream.

Tidus Huh?

Creepy Kid with Hood: Long ago, there was a war between Zanarkand and Bevelle. We Zanarkandites got our asses kicked, but we decided to preserve what we knew of our city in a giant misty-blue-wall-filled-with-naked-people gestalt thingie. After that, we became the fayth. And the Zanarkand you know. It's just a dream. Doesn't exist.

Tidus: But that would mean I don't exist.

Creepy Kid with Hood: You got it.

Tidus: But how...why....what....who?

Creepy Kid with Hood: Don't even TRY to figure this one out, kid. Anyway, we fayth are getting really tired of dreaming, since we've been doing it non-stop for the past 1000 years, so if you wouldn't mind setting us free, we'd appreciate it.

Tidus: What's in it for me?

Creepy Kid with Hood: Um, nothing really. In fact, once we awaken, your entire existence will become negated. But we trust you'll be stupid enough to help us anyway because you're a hero and because it's the Right Thing to Do.

Yuna: Tidus! Wake up already!

Creepy Kid with Hood: Think it over, kid! *POOF*

Tidus: WAIT! You don't think you can drop an ontological bombshell the size of Texas onto my head, ask me to sacrifice myself and just LEAVE, do you?

Creepy Kid with Hood: I just did.

Tidus: Ay yi yi. Alright. It's official. The writers hate me.

Yuna: Tidus! We were so worried! Are you alright?

Tidus: Yeah. Just takin' a catnap. Let's hit the road, okay?

Wakka: Uh-oh. Looks like it's going to be a WET road...

Rikku: No problem for us swimmers, right?

Auron: Hey, thanks for handling that for us. That went "swimmingly". But don't think the road ahead is going to be nearly as easy.

Yuna: Why? What's up ahead?

Sanctuary Keeper: GRRWOOORRRR!!!!

Tidus: Oh great. No rest for the bishy...

Sanctuary Keeper: Alas! I am undone! *dies*

Auron: Almost there, kids.

Rikku: Timer's countin' down... and we still haven't found a way to save Yunie yet.

Auron: You should probably stop wasting your time. If a legendary guardian like myself couldn't figure out a way to beat the system, I doubt YOU guys can...

Wakka: We'll see about that, ya?

Tidus: Welp...we're in Zanarkand now. The game has officially bookended itself...

Yuna: Well, I'm off to my death, I guess...

Tidus: Wait! You dropped something!...Oh... It's one of them recordable sphere thingies. I don't suppose it would hurt if I took one little peek...

Yuna's voice: Goodbye everyone! I'm going to miss you all. Especially YOU Tidus, you lovable hunk o' Grade A Bishounen... Oh wait. I should probably delete that. Don't want you all thinkin' I'm a slut or anything.

Tidus' voice: Hi Yuna! Whatcha up to?

Yuna's voice: Uh, I'm not recording any secret messages which are intended to be viewed by you only after my impending death! *shut off noise*

Tidus: Awww. What a gal... It's too bad she's doomed to die and I don't really exist. We coulda had something there... If only the WRITERS DIDN'T ^@*&$ HATE ME!!!

Wakka: Whoa. It's Pyrefly Central!

Tidus: That's the blitzball stadium where I may have played at the beginning of the game. Or not, seeing as how IT WAS ALL A ^@*&$ DREAM!!!

Mysterious Man: Ah, welcome, fresh meat--I mean, brave travelers who seek to rid the world of evil.
Lady Yunalesca awaits inside...

On to Part 14!