Part 12

Isaaru: Halt! None shall pass!

Auron: Yuna, you wanna do the honors?...

Yuna: *summon* *fight* Ha! I win!

Isaaru: D'oh. I suck.

Auron: Yes. Yes you do.

Rikku: So, guys. Do you suppose there's anything here in these dark, watery corridors besides these rusty old gates?

Tidus: Quite probably.

Evrae Altana: GAROOOOOO!!!!!

Tidus: Oh. It's only the lamest, most easy-to-defeat end-level boss to come down the pike since FF6's Phantom Train. Nothing to worry about. Phoenix Down!

Evrae Altana: Blarg.

Tidus: And to think, if you hadn't shelled out 19.99 for the Strategy Guide, you could've wasted a half-hour of your life trying to figure out how to beat that monster...

Rikku: Yay! We're all together again! I have no idea how it happened, but I'm delighted!

Tidus: Uh-oh. The heartfelt reunion will have to wait. We've got company!

Seymour: Hi! Not to worry. It's just me, my goons, and my good friend Maester Kinoc! Say hello to the nice people, Maester Kinoc!

Maester Kinoc: ... *THUD*

Seymour: Oh, that's right. I killed you. See how peaceful he looks, folks? Like a big fat, sleeping baby... Hey, Yuna babe. Why don't you come with me to Zanarkand? You can sacrifice yourself, I can become the next Sin and together we can save the world.

Yuna: And just how would we do that?

Seymour: By destroying it, of course!

Tidus: And you guys all think I'M nuts!

Kimahri: Grr! Stabbin' time!

Seymour: Tsk, tsk... Now I'll have to get ugly...

Kimahri: Go! Save yourselves!

Tidus: No!

Auron: Yes!

Tidus: Well, okay!

Yuna: No, NOT okay!

Auron: Yes it IS...

Yuna: No, it's NOT. Back we go!

Auron: Sheesh, alright. You sure picked a fine time to grow a spine, Yuna!

Seymour Natus: Ah, so you've all come back! Allow me to send you to the wonderful, pain-free world of non-existence!

Tidus: Geez, Seymour. You're Sephiroth-ing it BIG time...

Yuna: Only Sephiroth was a much better dresser!

Seymour Natus: Oh, you wound me to the quick, my dear!

Tidus: We'll do more than wound your quick, Seymour...

Seymour Natus: Urk! I'll be bahck! *dies*

Tidus: And so we escaped into the woods. Then Yuna and I walked off to be by ourselves and...

Yuna: *Sigh.* I didn't think saving the world was gonna be this, you know, hard.

Tidus: Yeah. And I must've sounded like such a DOOF when I was giving you all that encouragement, seeing as how all the time, you were only going off to your death and all...

Yuna: Yeah... Well, anyway, doof or not, you were nice to have around.

Tidus: Hey, why don't you forget this pilgrimage business and go live a normal life with me? At MY place?

Yuna: And then I could watch you play Blitzball!

Tidus: And after the game, we'd go somewhere to watch the city lights and I know....I could....

Yuna: .....make out with me?

Tidus: Don't mind if I do!

FMV: Cue the romantic music! And the sparkly things!

Tidus and Yuna: **SMOOCHIES**

Yuna: Sorry, Tidus. I'll have to keep going. The call of duty and all.

Tidus: Fine. We'll still be able to make out with each other, right?

Yuna: Natch.

Tidus: I'm good, then.

Rikku: Uh-oh. Tidus and Yuna are coming back to camp and they're holding hands. Looks like someone's Virgin Alarm failed to go off.

Yuna: Ahem. Everyone? Sorry I put you all through so much crap lately. Oh, and we're going on, so try to get a good night's sleep, okay?

Tidus: I know I certainly won't have any problems falling asleep tonight. Heh heh...


Lulu: Explanation time again. Ahem... These are the Calm Lands, where high summoners once fought battles with Sin. It's the End of the Road. No gas stations or rest areas beyond this point.

Tidus: Damn. I'd hate to be the poor schmo in charge of cutting THIS lawn.

Yuna: Watch out for the hydrofoil! Wait... if it's on GRASS, can it be CALLED a HYDRO-foil?

Lulu: What was the point of that, anyway?

Man in Robes: No point. Like most things in Japanese video games, it was something the creators threw in just because it looked cool. Hey, Lulu! Long time no see!

Lulu: Father Zuke!

Father Zuke: Wow. You guys are in big trouble. Funny, you don't look like a band of dangerous, society-toppling murderers to me.

Yuna: Boy, news travels fast in video game RPGs...

Zuke: It sure does. You might want to watch your step from now on.

Lulu: Right-o.

Tidus: Who was that?

Lulu: A summoner I used to guard. This is actually my third shot at this whole "guardian" gig and so far, this is the furthest I managed to get. So from here on in, we're flyin' blind. Oh, and we're officially traitors, too.

Tidus: Feh. Like I care!

Yuna: Well, I care a little. Gee, I wonder if Dad ever got lost out here?

Tidus: We could ask Auron, if he wasn't such a grouchy-ass. And if he wasn't in la-la land right now...

Auron: Mmm. Something smells rotten in the state of Yevon...

Rikku: So, we're not going to be able to stop Yuna from continuing, are we?

Tidus: No, but...we WILL save her!

Rikku: How?

Tidus: I'll think of something!

Rikku: Like what?

Tidus: Um...

Inside of Tidus' Head: *CRICKET NOISE*

Kimahri: We now head for Mount Gagazet. Kimahri home.

Tidus: Ahhh. Spiffy. And I suppose it's right past this bridge...

Guardian Guado: Halt! Whoso crosses the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see...

Lulu: Oh God. Would someone please inform the writer of this thumbnail theater that we are SICK and TIRED of all these lame Monty Python and the Holy Grail movie references? As far as the hierarchy of geek humor is concerned, it's only one step above that "all your base" thing in terms of sheer insipidness.

Auron: Agreed. And the Princess Bride and the Spaceballs references ...well...the last time those were even remotely funny was around ten years ago.

Guardian Guado: EXCUSE US? We are trying to serve you a summons, here... Aw to hell with it. Defender X! Sic 'em!


Tidus: What say we send this guy to the scrap heap?

Auron: Sounds like a plan. Armor Break!

Defender X: GACK! *EXPLODE*

Tidus: Aw, his hopes are crushed.

Wakka: Yessir, they don't build 'em like they used to.

Rikku: Good help is SO hard to find these days...

Lulu: So we've moved from lame movie references to lame action-hero post-battle one liners...

Tidus: Hasta la vista, bab--

Lulu: SHUT UP!

Tidus: Geez, Lulu. What's up with you? You're grumpier than normal, if such a thing is possible.

Lulu: It probably has something to do with the fact that we're close to the cave where my first summoner cacked it. Care to visit it? We could pick up a fayth and you could learn a little more about my tragic and horribly depressing backstory...

Tidus: Fine. It's not like we're in a hurry here...

Rikku: So what's a fayth doing in a place like this?

Lulu: Someone stole it and put it here. It sure as hell didn't come here to spelunk.

Wakka: Uh-oh. We Are Not Alone.

Lulu: Is that YOU, Lady Ginnem? You're not still mad at me because I totally whizzed it as your bodyguard and let you die, are you?

Lady Ginnem: GRRRR!!!! *summon*

Yojimbo: Cue the falling cherry blossoms!

Lulu: Looks like it'll be up to me to clean up this mess...

Tidus: And by "me" she of course means "us."

Lulu: Shut up, blue eyes. Or you're NEXT on the list of things I terminate with extreme prejudice!

Yojimbo: Blorg. *vanishes*

Lady Ginnem: *POOF*

Lulu: Ahh. If there's one thing video games teach us, it's that killing the source of your problem will make everything better... I feel happy and at peace now.

Yuna: Good. Can I get the fayth now?

Lulu: Knock yo'self out.

On to Part 13!