Part 6

Auron: Hm. "Rin's Travel Agency" Let's rest here.

Wakka: In an Al Bhed shop? No way!

Auron: Cram it, carrothead. This place has a nice scenic overlook. And I'm tired. You might even say I'm "dead on my feet." (But only if you happened to be really into major plot spoilers.)

Tidus: Ooh. There's Yuna sitting by the cliff watching the sunset. And she's alone...

Yuna: Uh, I'm not recording any secret messages which are intended to be viewed by you only after my impending death! And my morbid musings on the nature of life and fate... They're probably not anything which you should be concerned about.

Tidus: Uhhh, okay. Say, I was wondering, just how the heck are you gonna beat Sin anyway? He's like, really big and stuff.

Yuna: By the Final Summoning. Which is located in Zanarkand.

Auron: --Which is toast, unfortunately. Sorry to be a cold shot of water to the genitals, kids, but Yuna really ought to come inside now. I'm sensing a vague threat may be somewhere in the area.

Rin: Greetings, travelers. I am famous for my travel agencies, which are located throughout the world. I am also famous as being the only Al Bhedian who talks like Ricardo Montalban. Oh dear. It would seem something is attacking my chocobos.

Auron: Didn't see THAT one coming, did we? Watch yourselves, kids! Them cliffs are steep!

Chocobo Eater: *Urp* Just one more. I'll start that diet first thing tomorrow!

Tidus: You ain't gonna live that long!

Chocobo Eater: GRARRGHHH!

Tidus: I hate when enemies get pushy!

Ted Woolsey: "Get pushy?" And the person writing this thumbnail theatre accuses ME of having a dull wit...

Tidus: Okay. We won. What do we get?

Rin: A free ride.

Tidus: Sweet! These chocobos ought to take us quickly to--

Clasko: --a big-ass gate which nobody is allowed to pass.

Dona: This is bogus! You guys HAVE to let me though the gate! I'm a summoner! And I'm pretty!

Gatta and Luzzu: WE get to go through! Ha ha!... Hi Tidus! We're on the last leg of our speeeecial mission! Oh, and in case we haven't mentioned it before, we're not gay!

Tidus: Riiiight. So then. What is this speeeecial mission about, anyway?

Guard: We're launching Operation Mi'ihen, a Crusader - Al Bhed joint mission in which sinspawn are brought from all over Spira and gathered into one place. Once Sin appears, the Al Bhed will whack him with their machinery. That....or everyone involved in the operation will die horrible, screaming bloody deaths.

Lulu: Since we're not even half way through the game yet, I think it would probably be a safe bet to put our money on the "horrible, screaming bloody deaths" outcome.

Tidus: Geez, Lulu. You are DARK! Could there be ANYONE on this planet creepier than you?

Seymour: Greetings.

Tidus: The answer to that would be a resounding "Yes."

Seymour: Lady Yuna? You need to get past this gate? No problem. I'll just use my smarmy, soft-spoken authority to convince the guards to give you a free pass.

Yuna: Oh thank you, kind bishounen!

Tidus: *Seethe*

Dona and Barthello: *Double-seethe*

Crusaders: All hail, Maester Seymour!

Seymour: Ah, my loyal pawns---er, puppets---er, PROTECTORS of Spira! Believe in yourselves and today will be a day of great triumph!

Wakka: Um, why is Maester Seymour backing the Crusaders? They're with the Al Bhed and they're using evil machina and stuff.

Yuna: Oh well. Sometimes you have to bend the rules a little if you want to get something done.

Seymour: You said it, sweetcheeks. Oh, hi, Sir Auron. What have YOU been up to?

Auron: Wouldn't YOU like to know, Picasso-Hair...

Wakka: Uhh.. Maester Seymour... Your Majesty... Sir....Um...isn't this operation against the teachings of Yevon?

Seymour: Oh dear. It is. Oh well. Pretend it's not happening.

Wakka: But isn't that "wrong?"

Seymour: Right. Wrong. What's the difference? Morality for the most part is pretty much a subjective business anyway. Welp. See you later!

Tidus: Not if I see you first.

Clasko: Lady Yuna, ma'am? Maester Seymour wants to show you his command center.

Lulu: Ooh. His "command center." Never heard it called THAT before...

Tidus: Oh look. There's Luzzu and Gatta again. And they seem to be having a lover's tiff...

Luzzu and Gatta: WE SAID WE'RE NOT GAY, DAMMIT! And we're only mad because our orders are about to force us to become separated from each other...

Everyone: ....

Luzzu and Gatta: We're NOT GAY!

Wakka: Whatever. Just what are you guys doing in this half-assed, blasphemous operation anyway?

Luzzu: You're pissed off, aren't you, Wakka? I suppose now would be a bad time for me to tell you that I was the one who convinced your brother Chappu to enlist with the Crusaders...

Wakka: *WAP!!*

Luzzu: Ow...You know, if I go off and die now, you're going to regret it.

Wakka: Only because it would mean I couldn't hit you anymore.

Auron: If we could wrap this up and get the plot moving again please...

Gatta: Feh. I came all this way to fight and I gotta pull guard duty! Bogus.

Auron: Oh boo hoo. You're stuck safe up here while everyone else goes off to die horrible, bloody deaths. Unless we talk to you twice and choose the second option both times. Then you're screwed.

Thousands of Video Game Players: Wow. The way we talk to this character will ultimately determine his ultimate fate? We get to play God. Cool.

Auron: God, schmod. It's just a damn video game. It's not going to change the fact that you're still living in your parent's basements. Bunch o' losers...

Maester Kinoc: Yo. Auron ol' buddy. Haven't seen you in ten years. What'cha up to now?

Auron: Not much. Just fufilling a promise I made to a friend. Oh, and blowing you off.

Yuna: *Angst.*

Tidus: *Double-Angst* I wonder if it's true what Auron said about Sin being my old man. Well, if Sin shows up on the beach dead drunk and clutching a 40-story tall bottle of Johnny Walker in each fin, I'll KNOW it's true..

Sinspawn Gui: Suh-PRIIIIIZE!

Tidus: Oh nice. I didn't know WE would be expected to take part in this little operation.

Yuna: YAY! We....sort of... killed it...

Sin: I'm back-- and I'm bad.


Sin: --and I brought lots of slimy things and an energy barrier.

Lucil: RETREAT!!!

Auron: Oh. THIS is going well.

Yuna: Unhhhh. Wha happa? Meep--

Sinspawn Gui: Ha! I thought I'd pull a Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction and come back from a fake death to lash out at you!

Seymour: Impressive. But you fail to remember that the Glenn Close character cacked it FOR REAL right after pulling that move.

Sinspawn Gui: Oh yeah..... Nertz. *URK*

Al Bhed: Eat Ultimate Superweapon, Sin!

Sin: Ooh. That tickles. Here. Have another helping of energy barrier.

Al Bhed Superweapon: KA_BOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!

Tidus: Ick. This sand tastes like....sand.... Whoa. Looks like the aftermath of D-Day.

Gatta: D-Day? Would the "D" happen to stand for "Demented Rambling?"

Tidus: ... Looks more like it stands for total "D"-struction..

Sin: Chaos, death, disorder... My work here is done. So long, son!

Tidus: Come back here, coward! Oh great. Time for yet another philosophical voiceover about my father. I suspect a traumatic childhood flashback can't be too far behind.

Young Tidus: Father, you're a drunk and you suck.

Jecht: Yeah? Well you're a crybaby!

Young Tidus: Am not! Waaaahhhhh!!!

Yuna: Time for more liturgical dancing!

Auron: So Kinoc. Hundreds are dead. Happy now?

Maester Kinoc: No... Uh... there's no chance you could fall off the face of the earth for another ten years, is there, Auron?

Seymour: Take heart and be brave, Lady Yuna. You are the people's greatest hope now.

Yuna: Oh. Spiffing.

Seymour: I want you to lean on me. But not right now, as I have to go. Bye.

Auron: So, Tidus. Sin is Jecht. And he came all this way just to see you.

Tidus: But, why?!

Auron: So he could show you what a bastard he was.

Tidus: Dammit, I already KNEW he was a bastard! He could've saved himself the trip, (not to mention all those innocent lives he took) if he had just realized that beforehand... Hey, just how do YOU know what my father was thinking, anyway?

Auron: This inappropriate laughter will have to serve as my response.

Tidus: Jerk.

Luzzu: Hey, I'm dead now, right? Damn....

Yuna: Hurry up everyone! Chop chop! Let's go!

Tidus: SHE'S awfully cheerful...

Kimahri: Yuna must be cheerful because these are dark times. We must be careful not to make her worry.

Tidus: Yeah. Don't worry, be happy, right?

Thousands of Video Game players: Oh NO! We finally got that damn Bobby McFerrin song out of our heads after fifteen long years and here is it PLAYING OVER AND OVER IN OUR MINDS AGAIN HOW HORRIBLE AUGGGHHHH!!!!! KILL US! KILL USBLLARRBHBHBHBHBHHHH!!!!!

On to Part 7!