Part 5

Datto & Letty: Um, are you alright, Cap'n Wakka?

Wakka: Yes. And by "yes" I mean..."HELL no."

Yuna: Oh my. This is all my fault!

Wakka: No, it's them damn no-good Al Bhedi's fault! They're nothin' but trouble!

Tidus: Uh....You might want to ix-nay the edjudice-pray, Wakka...

Wakka: Feh...whatever. Gather round everyone. It's time for my big, "let's win one for the Gipper"-type motivational speech. Oh, and Tidus, seeing as how I'm half dead and you're our only ringer, you play for me, okay?

Tidus: Allright! Let's make the Goers goners! (Sheesh! These are the kind of lines I get? What, is Ted Woolsey still translating these games?)

Announcer Bobba: This is it, folks! The championship game! Where our beloved Luca Goers take on those pathetic pansies, the Besaid Aurochs! Hey Jimma! Just what the hell IS an "Auroch", anyway?

Announcer Jimma: I dunno, Bobba! But judging from their performance today, I'd say it's most likely Olde Besaidian for "Total Loser!" Haw HAW!

Auron: I'm back. Did you all miss me?

Thousands of Video Game Players: YESSSS!!!! Please tell us you'll become a playable character soon. PLEASE!

Bickson: Haw haw haw haw! Shake hands?

Tidus: Well, okay. I don't see why no-----HEY!

Announcer Bobba: Oh! The carnage! Makes you wonder what will happen once the game actually starts.


Announcer Bobba: It's Halftime, folks!

Wakka: Pep talk blah blah get the ball blah blah shoot like crazy blah blah hustle blah blah blah...

Aurochs: Right!

Announcer Bobba: Well well. Lookie here. The game's at the 3 minute mark and the Aurochs are getting their asses handed to them! Who's surprised? Not US!

Crowd: Wak-ka! Wak-ka! Wak-ka! Wak-ka! Wak-ka!

Announcer Bobba: The crowd's getting restless. Either they're doing a mass Pac-Man impersonation to pass the time, or they want that Wakka guy back in the game!

Tidus: *Sigh*. 'Tis a far far better thing I do now... (swims)

Announcer Bobba: Blondie's leaving! He may have an injury! Let's hope it's serious!

Tidus: Wakka? You paid the piper, so YOU should be the one to dance.

Wakka: Thanks, buddy! Alrightie then. Will we win? Or will we whizz this game down our pant leg? (In other words, was the person playing this game willing to put in the dozens of hours of practice he would need to pull off a victory at this point, or was he just a lazy-ass who wanted to get past this pointless little plot cul-de-sac as soon as possible?)


Announcer Bobba: Aww. Aurochs lose! Poor babies. (Hide the joy... Hide the joy...)

Crowd: Boo.


Announcer Bobba: The Aurochs win! Unbe-fuckin-lievable!

Crowd: Yay!

Tidus: You just won the Luca Blitzball Tourney! What are you gonna do now, Wakka?

Wakka: I'm goin' to Disney World! Right after I finish basking in the glory of our victory. Ahhh... I feel good. The sky is blue... the sun is shining......the giant fish fiends are circling closer and closer... Hey! WAITAMINUTE! GIANT FISH FIENDS?

Tidus: Where'd these guys come from?

Wakka: I dunno but we gotta send 'em back there!


Lulu: NOW what?!

Auron: Okay folks. Time to bask in the aura of my handsomely grizzled badassedness once again. Watch as I take out this Vouivre in one hit!

Vouivre: I regret nothing! Urk! *dies*

Tidus & Wakka: Auron! What are YOU doing here?

Auron: What does it look like? It's "Survival of the Fittest" time, kiddies. Time to show these monsters who's on top of the food chain!

Tidus: Hey, I'm good at things like that.... Eep. Except when the number of monsters increases beyond my capacity to deal with them. Lucky for us, this is the only time FOR THE REST OF THE GAME that such a thing will happen.

Seymour: Oh dear. A monster attack. Yawn. (*summon*)

Anima: Hi folks! I'm a really powerful aeon! Don't let the fact that I look like a mummified, three-day-old fish fool you! I'd like to start out my show tonight with a perfectly devastating little number which I like to call, the Painful Laser Eye of DOOM!


Monsters: Aiyeeee!!!

Our Heroes: DAYAM....

Seymour: *SMUG* I'm not evil. I am SO not evil. Isn't it obvious how NOT EVIL I am?

Wakka: Welp, so long, teammates! Tournament's over, so I'm off to go guard Yuna full-time now!

Yuna: Which is not nearly as easy a job as it might sound, as I seem to attract trouble like a bug-zapper attracts big, juicy, stupid moths.

Tidus: Well this is another fine mess you've gotten me into, Auron.

Auron: What are you talkin' about? This is only the FIRST fine mess I've gotten you into. (Though I admit, it isn't likely to be the LAST.)

Tidus: Just who are you, man? And just why the heck do you wander around with your damn arm tucked into your coat? Is it hurt or something?

Auron: No. I am a ronin, and wandering around with one's arm tucked into one's coat is an incredibly ronin thing to do.

Tidus: So is guzzling sake by the gallon, apparently. So then...just how the hell do you fit into this story, anyway?

Auron: Your Dad, Braska and I defeated Sin ten years ago. Although after doing so, we ran into a few... complications...

Tidus: Such as?

Auron: Such as your Dad turning into Sin and all.

Tidus: Oh, so the main enemy happens to be the hero's own father? So basically, what it comes down to is that this entire game is nothing more than an elaborate RPG rehashing of Star Wars.

Auron: It could be. That would explain why you look so much like Luke Skywalker. And WHINE like him... Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go offer myself to Yuna.

Tidus: --You sick, dirty old man!

Auron: As her guardian, you idjit. And I'm not old. I'm 35.

Tidus: Got news for you, Auron. In the world of Japanese video games, 35 IS old. Dinosaur old. Dirt old. Strom Thurmond old.

Auron: Alright, alright. You don't have to rub it in. Hey, Yuna. Let me be your guardian!

Yuna: 'Kay.

Auron: One thing: Blondie comes with us.

Yuna: Hooray! The potential for future nookie remains high!

Tidus: So, Yuna. You figure out how to whistle, yet?

Yuna: Yes, but now I think I'd prefer to scream.

Tidus: Naw, that's not gonna help us break this funk we're in. How's about I make a bunch of goofy faces?

Yuna: Ooh my. What talented animators we have! How about we try laughing now? Loud and obnoxiously!


Thousands of Video Game Players: Oh, God, if there was ever a time we wished the Playstation 2 had a Fast Forward Function for Video Game Cut Scenes, THIS would be it...

Tidus: Okay. Enough forced attempts at zany romantic humor. Time to move onto the next plot point.

Yuna: We'll take the Highroad and you take the Lowroad and we'll get to Mi'ihen befooooore ye!

Maechen: Greetings, visitors! Would you care to hear about some of the history of this ancient place?

Tidus: Well alright. If we must. Hey, aren't you the guy who sings the Monster Mash ?

Maechen: Everybody's a comedian.

Lucil, Elma and Clasko: Greetings, Lady Yuna! We're Chocobo Knights from Djose! Beware the chocobo-eating monster that's in this area! Stay far FAR away from him!

Tidus: Ooh! Let's go fight the chocobo-eating monster!

Auron: So apparently, if you play blitzball long enough, it will eventually cause all your brain cells to die off...

Tidus: Why do you say that?

Auron: Because your father used to say the exact same kinds of stupidly heroic things. Really used to piss Braska and me off...

Belgemine: Hello, Lady Yuna. Care for an Aeon tutorial disguised as a pointless battle?

Yuna: GASP. You mean there'll be times when I'll have to fight and be of actual use in this game?

Calli: Miss Summoner Lady, please tell us you're going to bring another Calm. (And please PLEASE tell me this isn't the only time I'll be appearing in the game. *sniff*)

Tidus: What's a "Calm?"

Lulu: Explanation time again. It is a time of peace which begins after a summoner defeats Sin, and lasts until Sin reappears.

Tidus: What? You mean, it's only a temporary fix? What a rip-off!

Gatta and Luzzu: Hey guys! Long time no see! We're with the Chocobo Knights now! We're still not gay!

Lucil and Elma: We aren't either! Now stop loafing around you two, and get that caravan moving!

Yuna: It was so nice seeing Luuzu and Gatta again. And it was also nice of the game developers to create depth to the story by throwing in some secondary characters.

Lulu: For secondary characters, read: "future cannon fodder."

Tidus: GEEZ, Lulu! You always have to be so negative?

Lulu: For negative read: "realistic."

Shelinda: Hello, Lady Yuna. My name is Shelinda. I am a disciple of Yevon. I was trying to stop the Crusaders from using the big bad evil machina in their mission to defeat Sin.

Lulu: Plot Point. Plot point, I say...

On to Part 6!