Part 4

SS Minnow, er, Winno: Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful --

Tidus: Hey, you USED that song already. Sheesh. We're only on page 4 and the author of this Thumbnail Theatre is already running out of pop culture reference ideas. Not a good sign.... Oh. And we're stuck on the same ship as our rivals, the Luca Goers. Lucky us.

Bickson & Graav: Haw haw haw. You guys'll never win the cup!

Yuna: They will too!

Bickson & Graav: Will not!

Yuna: Will too! Because they have Tidus and he's a champion blitzballer from Zanarkand!

Bickson & Graav: Sure he is, lady. And we're the Blues Brothers. HAW HAW HAW!

Tidus: You sound more like demons from a Jack Chick tract....*Sigh*. It's too bad Yuna and I are stuck on a crowded boat 1000 years in the future instead of in my swingin' bachelor pad back in Zanarkand. *Sigh.* I might as well do some eavesdroppin' to past the time, since our romance is going NOWHERE...

Lulu: Well, Wakka. You've really done it this time. What happens if Tidus doesn't run into anyone he knows while he's in Luca? Don't think that WE'RE going to feed him and take care of him. Oh, and Yuna wants to make him a guardian which is probably all your fault. Wanker.

Wakka: Remind me, Lu. Why do I like you again?

Lulu: I dunno. For my bubbly optimism, maybe?... Anyway, since Yuna wants him to be her guardian so much, you should probably talk Tidus into taking the job. Only don't screw it up.

Wakka: Poor kid. Hates his father. That must suck.

Tidus: Uh-oh. They're talking about my father. I sense another traumatic childhood flashback coming on...

Jecht: Here kid. Let me show you my super-duper blitzball shot which nobody else can do. Haw haw! I usually charge for lessons, although I'm willing to dish out the humiliation which goes with 'em for free.

Tidus: Oh boy. The first in a long list of mini-games which will ultimately determine my fate. Let's see. Will I be able to pull off my father's secret shot? Hm. Being that this is a thumbnail theater and therefore, linear in nature, let's assume for brevity's sake that I did.

Wakka: Whoa! That was cool!

Yuna: That was the Jecht Shot. The one your father showed me. The one he gave a ridiculously pretentious-sounding name to.

Tidus: Yeah, he was always doing stuff like that. When he wasn't making mine and my mother's life hell.

Yuna: You shouldn't say things like that!

Tidus: I just did.

Yuna: Oh. That's right. You did. Sorry. Shutting up and switching back to Spineless Mode now...

Tidus: It's Philosophical Voiceover Time again: "I had a feeling something bad was about to happen." Thank you.

FMV: Welcome to Luca! Land of Amusement Park Architecture and Annoying Sportscasters!

Bobba and Jimma: Hey folks! Let's give it up for our local champions: the Luca Goers! Who are going to win because everyone else sucks. Especially those wankers from Besaid.

Tidus: Fair and impartial media my ass. Hey! Listen up, people of Luca! We're number one!

Wakka: Hey, hero. What are you doin'? You're making a spectacle of yourself.

Tidus: You talk as if that's a bad thing.

Yuna: Ooh! Maester Mika is here!

Tidus: Maester who?

Lulu: *Sigh*. Do I have to handle ALL the explanations in this game? Maester Mika is the leader of all the peoples of Spira. This tournament is commemorating his 50 years in public office.

Tidus: 50 years in public office? Wow... I mean it's not very impressive when you compare it to the length of term for your average Southern-State US Senator, but still, 50 years is nothing to sneeze at.

Yuna: Hey! Let's go see him disembark!

Tidus: Where is he? All I see is some bare-chested, tattooed cosplay nightmare with a punk hairdo.

Wakka: That's a Guado. It's Maester Seymour to be exact.

Seymour: Here I am, ladies. Drink in my exotic, blue-veined bishiness...Ahem. I would like to take the time now to reassure everyone that I am a kind public servant, who wishes nothing but good upon the peoples of Spira. And that I will not, repeat, NOT be attempting to destroy any of you later in a brutal orgy of megalomaniacal nihilism!

Wakka: *Sniff* He's SUCH an inspiration...

Seymour: *stare*

Yuna: *counter-stare*.

Yuna: Yow. THAT was weird.

Wakka: Allright! Good news, team! In spite of the fact that we suck more than a 50-foot Hoover on the shag setting, we've been seeded! Two wins and we're the champions! The Al Bhed Psyches are our first opponents!

Tidus: Here, folks. Enjoy this *yawn* exciting blitzball tutorial...

Yuna: Hey! Guess what, everybody! Sir Auron's been spotted at a cafe here in town! Let's go find him!

Wakka: But it's almost time for the game!

Tidus: Relax. We'll be back in time. What could possibly go wrong?

Players from Al Bhed: SUPRISED-SOUNDING GIBBERISH (*translation: Look! A summoner! We must report her presence immediately so we can arrange to have her kidnapped.*)

Tidus: Hey there, Al Bhedian dudes! Tell that Rikku chick I said thanks for the grub she gave me the other day. And good luck in the games!

Players from Al Bhed: MORE GIBBERISH (*translation: Hmm. We must take care to mention in our report that the blond-haired, annoying Pollyanna she is traveling with is NOT to be kidnapped...*)

Minutes later...

Yuna: Gee. I hope nothing bad happens during our search which will cause us to become separated.

Tidus: Well, if we do and you need me, just whistle. You know how to whistle, don't you? Just jam your fingers into your mouth and blow air through your lungs at 185 mph.

Yuna: romantic.

Luzzu and Gatta: Hi guys! Just preparing for some big attack or other. Oh, by the way, in case we haven't mentioned it already, we're--.

Yuna: --not gay. We know...

Tidus: Whoa. This is one honkin' big town.

Yuna: Yeah. It would probably take us days to find Sir Auron, if it weren't for the convenient fact that this town only has one cafe.

Tidus: Lucky happenstance, that. Ooh. And here it is.

Yuna: Dum de dum... Just walking over here to talk to these people...not concerned that they might be kidnappers or la la......

Kimahri: Whoa. Kimahri actually gets to be in scene?  Uh oh. Kimahri run into old schoolmates, Biran and Yenke. Schoolmates dump Kimahri's books, take Kimahri's lunch money and break Kimahri's horn. Kimahri not happy to see them.

Biran: Ha ha. Hi, Shorty.

Yenke: Hey there, Kimahri. Kimahri remembers Biran and Yenke, old schoolmates who dump Kimahri's books, take Kimahri's lunch money and break Kimahri's horn, doesn't he?

Kimahri: Does this answer Yenke's question? *PUNCH*

Man in Cafe: Hey! take it outside! The game's starting!

Tidus: The game? Oh shit. Did I forget something important?

Maester Mika: Okay everybody! Let's get ready to ruuuuummmmbbllllleeeeee!

Tidus: Damn, the game's starting and Yuna's disappeared. Didn't see THAT one coming, did you folks?

Lulu: Bad news! Yuna's been captured by the Al Bhed! They say they'll return her only if the Aurochs throw the game!

Tidus: Whoa. They're strong-arming the Aurochs? I can only imagine how much THEIR TEAM sucks, then.

Lulu: Wakka will handle the game. We'll handle the rescue. Let's head for Dock 4.

Tidus: Which, of course, has to be on the OTHER SIDE of the complex. Damn. This place is harder to navigate than the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport!

Lulu: Killer robots. Looks like the Al Bhed were expecting us. Lets trash 'em.

Killer Robots: KA-BOOM!

Tidus: That was quick.

Lulu: I'll say. We're certainly having an easier time of it out here than Wakka's having in that game. Who's doing the officiating, anyway? Ray Charles?

Tidus: It would seem Wakka's not going to last very long at this rate. So we'd better hurry and find the boat.

Lulu: There it is! Jump!

Oblitzerator: Hey, no stowaways.

Tidus: Excuse us, but we're looking for a friend of ours. A mousy girl with odd-colored eyes and no spine...

Oblitzerator: I said NO STOWAWAYS!

Lulu: Eat crane!

Oblitzerator: KA-CHOW!

Yuna: Oh my. Was something important happening out here? I was just inside the boat totally kicking my Al Bhedian abductor's asses.

Tidus: Geez. Did we even NEED to rescue you? Anyway, this ship reminds me of the one I found myself on when I was taken prisoner by the Al Bhed. Just thought I'd mention that.

Yuna: YOU were taken prisoner by the Al Bhed? Did you happen to run into a man named Cid anywhere?

Tidus: I don't think so. But seeing as this is a game with the words "Final Fantasy" in the title, I suspect we'll be running into a character with that monicker at SOME point during our adventure. Hey, who is this Cid guy anyway?

Yuna: My mother's brother.

Tidus: Whoa. So you're half Al Bhedi?

Lulu: Don't tell Wakka. He doesn't like the Al Bhed.

Tidus: Whoa! Wait'll I tell Wakka about this!

Lulu: Do you even LISTEN to anything I say? Anyway, I'd better send Wakka the signal that we rescued Yuna so he doesn't throw the game.

Wakka: Hooray! Yuna's safe! Hmm. Thirty seconds left. That ought to be enough time for me to pull off a highly improbable rally and clinch this game.

Announcer Bobba: Wow! The Aurochs have pulled off a highly improbable rally and have clinched the game! Who'd a-thunk it? Certainly not US, folks!

Tidus & Yuna: Yay! We won!

Lulu: We would've won more decisively if Chappu had been on the team instead of his brother.

Tidus: Why are you always busting Wakka's chops? It's not because there's some kind of sexual tension betwee--

Lulu: Finish that sentence, kid, and you'll be eating dinner through a straw.

Tidus: Eep. Um...let's go back to the locker room, shall we?

On to Part 5!