Part 1

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful seaside metropolis which looked a lot like Las Vegas, only not so tasteful. It was called Zanarkand. And in this city, they used to play a violent version of water polo called Blitzball.

Cheering Crowds: Yay! The tournament's starting!

Tidus: I was it's biggest star, by the way. Tidus! Captain of the Zanarkand Abes!

Creepy Little Kid with Hood: What the hell's an "Abe?"

Tidus: Uhhhh...Search me... Hey. Who are you?

Creepy Little Kid with Hood: Oh, I'm a McGuffin. One of many in this game. But I won't become an important part of the story until later so... just ignore me for now.

Tidus: You say something, kid? Couldn't hear you with all these babe-o-licious groupies throwing themselves at me... Here I am, ladies! Bow down before my pouty-lipped, Gackt-like, bleached-blonde bishiness!

Creepy Little Kid with Hood: Oh go play your little game already. The plot's about to start.

Groupies: You can't have plots without plot points! Speaking of which, this ridiculously flowery hand gesture we're making. It'll probably turn out to be something really important.

Tidus: Yeah, probably. And that billboard up there with my Dad's picture on it. You can bet we'll probably be seeing him at some future point in the game. By the way, has anyone ELSE noticed that my Dad looks a lot like Vincent Valentine after a bender?

Zanar, the Commentator: Sorry folks, this rambling little voiceover is all you'll be getting in the way of exposition for now. But if you'll just sit tight, look at all the pretty FMV animation and wait awhile, it will all be made clear to you... I hope.

Tidus: All you basically need to know for now is that my Dad was once a famous blitzball player who disappeared ten years ago...... Now that you've heard some of my backstory, you're emotionally invested in me and care deeply about me as a character, right?... Right?... Well, you'd better be, because I'm about to find myself in some serious shit!

FMV: Let's get ready to RUUUUUMMMBLLLLEEEEE!!!!!!

Auron: Enter..... the mysterious ronin in red.

Giant Sphere Full of Water: And his pal, the big-ass flying sphere of DOOM. Time to clean up this town. And I mean that literally.

Tidus: Woo hoo! I 0\/\/N this game! Whoa... I think I just killed an opposing player and several spectators. Good thing there are NO LAWYERS here in Zanarkand.

Giant Sphere Full of Water: Ah. Then truly, yours IS an advanced civilization. Too bad about my having to destroy it and all...

Tidus: Incoming! OH SHIIIIIIIIIT! Dumb STOO-pid gravity!

Stadium: Ka-BOOM!

Tidus: How the hell did I survive that?

Auron: Because you're the hero. And as you can see, the upside of being the hero is that you get to survive stuff that would kill any normal human being...

Creepy Little Kid with Hood: Hey, Tidus. Remember me? As you probably already figured out, I'm no ordinary little kid. By the way, the shizznit's about to hit the fan in a big way. Try not to be a crybaby about it.

Tidus: Hey kid! Get your creepy hood-wearing butt back here and explain yourself!

Auron: ...Of course, the DOWNSIDE of being a hero, is that you have to do heroic things. Like fighting that...


Auron: It's called "Sin". As in the Judeo-Christian concept of moral transgression...

Tidus: Judeo-Christian concept? Oh no. This isn't going to be one of those games chocked full of tiresome and gratuitous Western Religious Symbolism a la Xenogears...

Auron: No. But it IS going to be one of those games chocked full of tiresome and gratuitous ass-kicking. Speaking of which, take this. Use it to fight those bugs.

Tidus: Oh thanks... a sword...that's a much better weapon than...ohhhh.....say... a gun or a rocket launcher.

Auron: Quit yer bitchin'. It WORKS, doesn't it?

Tidus: Barely....Oh no. A tentacle monster. A sure sign that things in a Japanese anime are about to go downhill. Oh, and what have we here? More pretentious Western Religious Symbolism.... "666"...*Sigh.* This does not look good.

Auron: Mmmm. I love the smell of blasphemous burning tentacle monster in the morning... It smells like... victory.

Tidus: Um, we're surrounded, Colonel Kilgore... How are we going to make it off of this bridge?

Auron: If we destroy this machine here, it'll get rid of the rest of the bugs.

Tidus: Hey, great!

Auron: It'll also get rid of the rest of the bridge...

Tidus: Um. Not so great.

Auron: Relax. We'll just duck into this wormhole here and everything will be alright.

Tidus: Gee. This wormhole feels like my Dad. I wonder if that's another one of those plot poin---uh ohhh... feeling sleeeepyyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

Wormhole: Woosh!

Tidus: Hey. I'm alive. And alone. I guess I'll just have to swim around this big, desolate-looking stone building until the plot starts up again..

Fish: Well, aren't YOU a tasty morsel?

Tidus: Stupid plot. I got news for you fellas! I'm human! I'M on top of the food chain! Got that?

Geosgaeno: No, I'M on top of the food chain! Get in mah belly!

Tidus: Shit. I hate being proved wrong time and time again. Well, discretion's the better part of valor. Especially where giant, man-eating fish are concerned.

Geosgaeno: Ha! You can't escape! You're small and I'm big!

Tidus: Got news for you: I just DID escape and that was why...

Geosgaeno: Evolution! You betrayed me! Grrrr!

Tidus: Man, it's cold here in this stone temple. It's a good thing there happened to be a pile of unburned wood and some flint and tinder conveniently located nearby. Ahhhh. Time to relax...

Auron: Geez. Even in flashbacks I'm a grouchy-ass, insufferable curmudgeon. By the way Tidus, you're a crybaby.

Tidus: Am not.

Creepy Little Kid with Hood: Are too.

Tidus: The hell? Oh dear.... Was my falling asleep a bad idea? Now my fire's going out and I'm freezing to death, (although what do you want to bet if this game has a "snow level" later on, I'll be able to weather it just fine without adding a single stitch of clothing?)

Klikk: Hey kid! I got a warm place where you can stay. It's called "my intestinal tract."

Tidus: I shall respectfully decline, thank you.

Door: Ka-Boom!

Mysterious Girl: Save some of that monster for me!

Tidus: Yay! We defeated it! Whew... That was a close shave. Thank you, mysterious girl. And you, too, strange-looking group of people with gog----urk!

Man with Goggles #1: GIBBERISH (translation: It's a fiend in human disguise!)

Man with Goggles #2: EVEN MORE GIBBERISH (translation: Hmm. Looks more like a J-POP Singer to me..)

Man with Goggles #1: FRANTIC SOUNDING GIBBERISH (translation: Ay! That's even worse! Let's kill him before he has a chance to pollute the air with his reedy-voiced, Engrish-filled, pretentious-sounding love ballads!)

Mysterious Girl: CUTE SOUNDING GIBBERISH (translation: No! We must save him! We'll bring him with us!)

Tidus: Oh hi.... Gee, lady. YOU seem really friendly...

Mysterious Girl: Cunno...

Tidus: Cunno? I hope that means "Let him go free" in your language.

Mysterious Girl: No. It means "Sorry, my knee and your solar plexis have an appointment." *WHUMP!*

Tidus: Unhhhhhh. *THUD*

Mysterious Girl: Hey dreamboat. You're our prisoner now, so please try and make yourself useful.

Tidus: I'm glad there's someone around here who can understand my language.

Guy with Mohawk: OMINOUS SOUNDING GIBBERISH (translation: Understand this, kid. If you don't do as we say, we're going to blow your *#*$& head off).

Mysterious Girl: There are some ruins in the water beneath us and an airship. You and I have to swim down there and power up a few devices so we can retrieve it.

Tidus: Piece of cake!

Tros: Mmmm. Did someone say cake? Me hungry!

Tidus: Here. Chew on this sword. Which the goggle people were nice enough to let me keep despite my apparently being a dangerous prisoner and all. *swing* *kill* *defeat*

Mysterious Girl: Yay! We win! The plot gets to advance!

Tidus: And I've finally earned your people's trust and respect, right?

Guy with Mohawk: Grab some deck, bish-boy! *POW*

Tidus: Oww.. Guess not.

Mysterious Girl: Here, this food ought to cheer you up.

Tidus: Thanks. *SCARF*

Mysterious Girl: Uh, careful, kid. Some of that food's getting into your mouth...

Tidus: You say somethin--CHOKE!

Mysterious Girl: So this guy's the main hero... *Sigh* Something tells me this is going to be a looong epic....

On to Part 2!