Episode 1: Fateful Confession


Was it all a dream? Or was it an illusion? All I know is that it all started one day when I was running through the schoolyard on my way to Track and Field practice...

Hitomi: WHEEEEEEE. Look out! Stereotypically Spunky Japanese High School Shoujo Heroine, comin' through!

Yukari: You're late to track practice, Hitomi. But not to worry, you're just in time to watch the class hunk make his track run.

Hitomi: Amano... *Sigh* Look at him go. Whatta man. I wish there was a way I could get him to notice me a little more...

Yukari: Why not try flashing him a quick look at your athletic, well-toned thighs? Here. Allow me. *FWISH*

Hitomi: Cut it out, perv! It's my turn to run now. But before I do, I'll flash the audience a quick look at my pendant, which I'm sure is not going to turn out to be important to the plot in any way.

Hitomi:*Pant**Pant**Pant* Uh-oh. There's a boy in my way. A boy wearing armor and carrying a big pointy sword. This is probably going to hurt...

*SWOOOSHHHHH*

Hitomi: Hey, whattaya know, he was just a ghost. Uh-oh. NOW I'm in a dark place filled with oodles of weapons. And there's Sword Boy and some giant with a scar and a mustache.

Balgus: Okay, Prince Van. Time to go hunt the dragon and prove your manhood. Try not to fuck up like your brother did.

Van: My brother...Grrrr.

Hitomi: Well, THAT made a lot of sense. Uh-oh. Now I'm in Hell. A hell full of giant walking robots. And falling towers. *KRACK* I'm gonna die!

No...wait... I'm being saved by a winged boy who looks like the Led Zeppelin mascot - only with pants on. Okay. I'm ready to wake up now.

Amano: Oh good, you finally woke up.

Hitomi: Wha? ---Where am I?

Amano: The school infirmary. I carried you here after you collapsed on the field. We're allllllll alone here. Just the two of us...Here....Together...

Hitomi: Hot Damn! So Amano brought me here and stayed with me all this time. He must care deeply for me! Oh how wonderful it is to have a nice, non-complicated love life. And here, this BEING ANIME™ and me being a shoujo heroine, I thought I was going to have to deal with that god-awful, pesky love triangle shit.

Amano: Oh...pretty...

Hitomi: ...yes, Amano?...

Amano: Your pendant. It's beautiful.

Hitomi: Huh? Oh. THAT was the reason you were oogling my chest. *sigh*. This is my grandmother's pendant and it's special. It can defy the laws of physics. Look. It can swing once per second without ever slowing down.

Amano: Faaaaaaascinating. So, Hitomi. Wanna rip off our clothes and make out here in the Nurse's Office?

Hitomi: I thought you'd never ask.

Yukari: HIIIIIIIIYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!...Oh... Were you two in the middle of something important?

Hitomi: Urge to kill best friend.....rising.

Yukari: Sorry about that. BTW, have you ever thought about doing a tarot card reading about you and Amano?

Hitomi: Oh, that's right. We'll have to do some back-pedalling now to explain the fact that I read tarot cards as a hobby. I'm damn good at predicting other people's love lives, only I've never done a reading about Amano and myself because I'm afraid I might find out that we weren't meant for each other. He's SO dreamy. *sigh*

Yukari: Uhh..sorry to destroy your twirling rose and falling sakura blossom-filled dreams of high-school shoujo romance, but Amano's about to be shipped overseas.

Hitomi: Whaaaat? Oh, the angst. I'd better hurry up and do a reading for us, then. Hmmm... The Tower -- Separation. Bummer. But what's this? The Ace of Serpents -- Courage. Hm....I know now what I must do.

Amano: Ah, the track field looks so pretty here in the sunset. As do I. *Sigh*.

Hitomi: Amano! Here! Take this pendant. If I can break my old record in the 100 meter dash by running it in less than 13 swings, promise me you'll give me my first kiss!

Amano: Well, as a guy, I can tell you a display of physical prowess on your part is patently unnecessary when it comes to persuading me to suck face wth you. However, seeing as this will provide me with the opportunity of witnessing your jubblies juggle as you run in a skimpy track outfit, I accept.

Hitomi: Great. I'll go change! Be back in a flash!

***
Okay. I'm ready now. (Gee, it sure got dark fast over the commerical break.)

Yukari: **FWIP** There! That ought to shed a little light on the subject!

Hitomi: Thanks, Yukari! Hey! How'd you turn the lights on from all the way over there? Your powers of telekinesis are almost as impressive as my ability to tell the future!

Amano: Ready, set, GO!

Hitomi: Gotta make it in less than 13 seconds. *pant pant* Gotta make it in less than 13 seconds...

*FLASH*

What th--? It's Sword Boy again! Only THIS time he's-- **OOF** not a ghost...Ow...

Van: WTF? Where am I? Who are you?

Hitomi: Uh-oh! Bishounen Alert!....Uhhh...Hi.

Amano: Hitomi! Are you allright? Who is this guy? How come YOU can understand him and Yukari and I can't? (And why is it the one line he utters in his native language is only heard on the Japanese track and not in the English dub?)

Van: Scram! All of you! There'll be a dragon arriving here any minute now and he ain't comin' here to sightsee!

*RUMBLE*

Yukari: I have a Bad Feeling About This.™

Hitomi: So do I--and it feels a lot like the feeling one gets when one has been punched in the stomach or when one has been watching Adam Sandler movies. Ugh. Anybody got a bucket?

*FLASH*

Land Dragon: GR-BAAAHHHH!!!!!!

Hitomi, Yukari and Amano: OMGWTF IS THAT????!!!!!!

Van: It's a Land Dragon. And if y'all want to avoid becoming a Blue Plate Special, you'd better beat cheeks now! Yoo-hoo! Hey, dragon! Get a load of my Mad Ninja Dragon Fighting SKILLZ! Take that! And that!

Land Dragon: Where does he get such wonderful toys? GROOWWWLLLLL.

Van: Ha! Haaaa! Can't touch me! Woo hoo! Wee hee!**WHAM** Itaiiii....Forgot about the wildly swinging, Razor Tail of Death. *SPEW*

Land Dragon: GRARRR. Why am I not as fluidly animated as the rest of you? That MAKES ME MAD......

Hitomi: Gee. I can't help but sense there's some sort of meaningful connection between that boy tossing his cookies and the sick feeling I had earlier. Can't stop to ponder it now, though. It's ass-hauling time.

Yukari: Wait for meeeeeee--oops! Oh no. Even though I'm a track star I still fall for the ol' "men can run from monsters without any trouble but girls are always tripping and falling over their own shadows and have to be rescued" action movie cliche. *Sigh* I suck.

Amano: Here, Yukari. I'll use my strong manly arms to carry you. Lets go up these steps, ladies! The dragon will never be able to climb them.

Land Dragon: Steps? I don't need no steekin' STEPS! GRRRRAARRR. *STOMP STOMP STOMP*

Yukari: Oh THIS was a good idea, Amano! Just why were we listening to you, again, Mr. Manly Arms?

Van: Boy, it's a good thing I remembered to pack my handy "Sandworm-Riding Hook-Thingy From Dune" gadget when I was preparing for my little Dragon Hunting expedition. Yee-HAW! Ride 'em, cowboy!

Hitomi: Uh-oh. Reality phasing out again..... Oh no! This vision is telling me if I don't do something quickly, Sword-Boy is gonna become a shishkabob! HEEEYYY! YOOOOU!!! SHORT, DARK AND HANDSOME!!! DRAGON TAIL AT 12'O CLOCK!!!

Van: What th--?
**SKLORRRSSHHHHH****
That was close. Lost my cool, pseudo-fantasy samurai armor though. But this gives me an idea. *SWING* *SLICE*

Land Dragon: GAROOOOOOOOO!!!!!! **THUD!!**

Van: It's a good thing all dragons in fantasy stories have soft fleshy underbellies which make them easy to kill once they're exposed. Ooh. This dragon has a creamy nougat center! And a prize inside! An energist!

Hitomi: Um... Excuse me... Are you allright...and...sane?

Van: Since this is our first meeting, the Rules of Shoujo dictate that I must behave towards you like a complete asshole.

Hitomi: Oh yeah? Well the Rules of Shoujo also dictate that, in return, I get to bitchslap your Neanderthal ass back to the Stone Age.

**SLAP**

Hitomi: --And then fall into a fit of tears. *waaahhh* *whimper* My only consolation is knowing that despite the utter disaster this first meeting has been, it sure as hell beats the way we first came to meet each other in the MOVIE.

Van: The energist is glowing! So is the ground! I'm going bye-bye now.

Hitomi: Oh no! I'm caught in a tractor beam!

Amano: HIIIITOOOOMMIIIII!!!! Here! My hand!

Hitomi: Uh, thanks for giving me back my pendant, Amano but do you think you might wanna try something that will GET ME THE HELL DOWN FROM HERE?!!

FLASH!!!! *fade* *twinkle*

Chorus: ESSSS-CA-FLOOO-NAAAAAAYYYYYYYY.

Van: What the....Hey, I'm back home! Hooray... Uh-oh. That spunky Mystic Moon girl with the butch haircut followed me here...

Hitomi: Unhhhh. Where am I? What are the Earth and the moon doing in the same sky? And where's that blasted Gregorian chanting coming from?

Chorus: Monks. In. SPAAAAAAACEEEEE!!!!!!

Hitomi: Oh, I get it. This was what the tarot cards meant. Separation. Courage. It's all clear to me now... Although I don't recall the cards mentioning anything about my being whisked off to an alien world.

Wolfmen: GROOWWRRR!!!

Hitomi: They didn't mention anything about my being attacked by a pack of savage wolfmen either. Oh well. Looks like I'm fucked.

CLIFFHANGER!

Thousands of Anime Fans: Doh! Looks like we're fucked, too! WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?!

Kawamori Shouji: Mwa ha ha! Welcome to Delayed Cinematic Payoff Purgatory! If you think you're on the edge of your seats now, just wait a few more episodes! It gets worse! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Thousands of Anime Fans: Kawamori Shouji, you suck!

On to Episode 2: The Girl from the Mystic Moon

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