Episode Thirteen - War of the Netherworld, Part 2

Seraph: Well, OUR plans are shot to hell, thanks to the humans getting involved.

????: They DO seem to have a particular talent for fucking things up, don't they? Even so, I can't help but think that, in this case, they had someone non-human helping them behind the scenes.

Seraph: Gee, I wonder if my power-hungry, bellicose, suspicious-acting second-in-command would know anything about that...

????: Don't sweat it. I'll look into the matter. You just keep standing there looking sleepy-eyed and indifferent. As usual.

Seraph: Roger...

Laharl: So, the humans are looking to muscle in on my territory...

Etna: Looks that way.

Gordon: I figured out where the Gargantua is!

Laharl: You did? Wow, Gordon. You're actually starting to demonstrate simple competence.

Etna: Yeah. I'm scared. Isn't YOU demonstrating simple comptetence one of the Signs of the Apocalypse?

Gordon: Well... It was actually Jennifer who programmed the ship's location into Thursday's navigation system. She must've known this was going to happen.

Laharl: Yeah. Poor girl. How sad....... Welp! That Armada isn't going to destroy itself! Let's roll!

Etna, Gordon & Flonne: Righty-o!



General Carter: Never fear! We have numbers on our side!

EDF Soldier: Not anymore we don't!

General Carter: What the--? We're being wiped out by a SINGLE DEMON? How is that possible?

Laharl: Because (a) it's necessary to further the plot (b) I am the baddest ass in the entire game, and (c) because I am EXTREMELY PISSED...

Etna: You're not so pissed that you'd destroy the ships before giving the humans a chance to bail out of them.

Flonne: Yeah. You're getting to be a real softie, Laharl...

Laharl: I am not.

Flonne: Are too!


Flonne: ARE TOO! ARE TOO! ARE TOO ! Times infinity!



Flonne: So that's the EDF's super-duper secret weapon... We should probably try avoiding it while we break into the ship..

Laharl & Etna: Aww. But where would be the fun in THAT?

Flonne: Sheesh! And you guys say I'M lacking in logic....

Jennifer: Hoo boy. That was some nightmare. I dreamt I went from being a fan-service-y yet capable, kick-ass anime heroine to being a pathetic damsel-in-distress...

Kurtis: That was no nightmare.

Jennifer: Kurtis! What are you doing?

Kurtis: I'm waking you up so I can put you back to sleep and then, presumably, do horrible, unspeakable things to your body. Before that happens, though, would you care to listen as I smugly relate certain tantalizing bits of my tragic backstory?

Jennifer: Does this answer your question? *blood-curdling scream*

Gordon: Funny. That blood-curdling scream sounded just like Jennifer.

Flonne: It WAS Jennifer, you numb-noggin!

EDF Soldiers: *muffled breathing*

Laharl: Oh great. More of THESE GUYS. *Sigh.* So it would seem humans have no short-term memory capacity whatsoever...


Gordon: Careful! These are super-duper super-human androids created by Kurtis!.....Gee.... y' know, I sure hope that blood-curdling scream we heard Jennifer emitting earlier wasn't on account of Kurtis turning her into a cyborg against her will...

Laharl: A cyborg?

Etna: This being ANIME™, may we automatically assume it's a...

Flonne: ...giant, rampaging monster MechaJennifer perhaps?

Gordon: Wow. That's some imagination you guys have got there. I think the laser eyes and the gigantic Metallic Brassiere of Death may have been a bit over the top, though...


General Carter: So, Captain Dumbass, I see you're still fighting us. And still too stupid to realize that this war we're waging is for the benefit of the human race. Don't you see? We HAVE to conquer the Netherworld! The Earth is completely fucked up and unlivable!

Laharl: And whose fault is THAT? Geez, your planet's crappy leadership makes Gordon look intelligent!

Gordon: Yeah! It makes ME look---HEEEEY!

General Carter: Why don't you all just shut up and die now?

Gordon: Hah! Fat chance, fatso! There's NOONE who can defeat us!

Kurtis: Wanna bet?

Gordon: Kurtis!...Ah...So...At long last, now is the time for our big dramatic, final, mano-a-mano confrontation...

Kurtis: No. Now is the time I add depth to my character by letting you in on the tragic events of my past and how they came to motivate my present actions.

Laharl: Yawn. Wake me up when it's clobberin' time again...

Flonne: Jeez. Way to spoil the dramatic tension, Laharl...

Kurtis: Fine...Screw the character development. You guys want to rumble? Let's rumble...


Kurtis: Poopy. I lost. Welp, Gordon. Looks like you're the true Defender after all. I await your finishing blow.

Laharl & Etna: One finishing blow, comin' right up!

Flonne: Oh no you don't!

Gordon: She's right! You can't kill him! Kurtis didn't die in the fight, so that means, according to the rules of Video Game Cliche, that he now gets to undergo a complete moral flip-flop, switch sides, and fight for our team.

Kurtis: It would seem you are correct, although I'll have to give y'all a raincheck, seeing as how my batteries are low. Oh and btw, you might want to watch out for Jennifer. *falls unconscious*

Gordon "Watch out for Jennifer?" THAT sounds ominous...


Gordon: Hey! I'M the one who's supposed to be jumping to wild, irrational conclusions around here! Oh nevermind, let's go find Carter and kick his mustache in.

General Carter: Greetings, future victims. Jennifer and I have been waiting for you...

Jennifer: ....

Laharl: Hey, she's not a hundred foot-tall rampaging cyborg of death! Weeeeak.

General Carter: She can still kick your ass, thanks to the neural override device I had implanted in her.

Flonne: Riiiight. You expect us to believe that, baldy? This delicate creature couldn't hurt a fly.

Jennifer: *Triple Strike* *Tiger Strike*


Etna: Yow. I bet you're wishing you were a fly right now, aren't you, Gordon?

Gordon: So, Jennifer's a kung-fu expert? That's news to me.

Carter: I'm not surprised. You're about as observant as a bagful of blind beavers.

Gordon: What are we going to do? I can't use my full strength against Jennifer...

Etna: --Not that it would make much of a difference if you could. The results would still be the same: She'd kick your ASS.

Gordon Look, Miss Smartypants, if YOU'VE got any suggestions, I'd sure like to hear them!

Laharl: Um...Let's blow up the ship?

Flonne: I think he meant intelligent suggestions...

Kurtis: Never fear! The Green Avenger is here! Fresh from my nap, filled with righteous indignation, and ready to show you how a TRUE HERO fights!

Jennifer: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *power up*

Kurtis: UOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *power up*

Laharl: So a true hero fights like a Dragonball Z reject?

General Carter: Enough of this! I'm going to use the bomb I implanted inside Jennifer's neural override device to blow you all up, (although why I didn't think of doing this sooner is anyone's guess.)

Kurtis: Ha! I made that device, and as such, I know EXACTLY how to disarm it...


Kurtis: Of course, I could've just made a gadget with a button that said "disarm bomb installed in neural override device" but this way is much flashier and way more impressive, as you can see. UUOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Gordon: It's also much MORE LETHAL.

Kurtis: True, but on the upside, I do get a touching and memorable death scene with some pithy final words.

Gordon: Well, they're not as pithy as "I'm comin' Liz'beth" or "Either these curtains go or I do" but they're still plenty moving.

Laharl: Here cracks a noble heart. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...and all that jazz.

Etna: Well aren't YOU nice all of a sudden?

Laharl: Shut it, you! Don't think that my helping guide Kurtis' soul to the other side means that I've gone soft. I'm still the same cold-hearted, delinquent little bastard I've always been.

Flonne: Riiiight.

Jennifer: So Kurtis bought it because of me. Well, don't I feel guilty...

Gordon: Does my agreeing to treat you as an equal and not speak condescendingly to you anymore make you feel any better, Jennifer?

Jennifer: A little, but I can think of something that would give me even MORE satisfaction...

Carter: Now hold on, young lady! I'M your father! Have you forgotten all the things I've done to --er, FOR you?

Jennifer: Feh. I should've known you were a crappy parent! (My first clue should've been when you first allowed me to walk out of the front door dressed like THIS)...Now then...Prepare to eat fist, baldy!


Angels: ....

Flonne: Waaaa? What are angels doing helping a guy like THIS?

Etna: Well there's a plot twist for ya! Methinks something is rotten in the state of Celestia.

Flonne: No way!


General Carter: Well, you may have won THIS round, but I'LL be ........making my cowardly escape now! Mwa-HA!

Gordon: Damn.

General Carter: Well, THIS invasion was a complete bust! That guy was totally wrong about demons!

Mid-Boss: What guy?

General Carter: Oh, you know. That guy with the--WHO ARE YOU AND HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET INTO MY ESCAPE POD?

Mid-Boss: If I told you, I'd have to kill you. Ah well. I'll just go ahead and kill you anyway....unless... you'd care to tell moi who's been helping you.

General Carter: Okay, I'll sing! It was some guy with white wings!

Mid-Boss: Ah, well. That narrows it down. Welp, today's empty threat session is over. You be a good boy now, y'hear? Otherwise I'll have to get all "Damien from The Omen" on your ass. *vanish*

General Carter: Meep.

Gordon: So it would seem we've fufilled our "one tragic character death quota" for this game. What happens next?

Flonne: We go to Celestia and find out why the Seraph has been jerking me around!

Laharl: CLIFFHANGER!!!!.....Again.

Final Episode - What Lies Beyond the Battle