Thumbnail Theatre: Bakshi's Lord of the Rings

Brentai's Shameless Ripoff of Thumbnail Theatre Presents:

Ralph Bakshi's Animated "Lord of the Rings"

Wrong kind of fantasy. Ralph Bakshi: In the beginning, God created rotoscoping. And from that rotoscoping, he created the rotoscoped elves. And those rotoscoped elves created a bunch of magic rings: nine for the rotoscoped humans, five for the rotoscoped dwarves, and three for the rotoscoped elf kings.
Rotoscoped Satan. Sauron: But then, the rotoscoped Satan, henceforth referred to as me, practiced sorcery to make a bad ring filled with evil.
Ilsidur: Suddenly, a light shone forth, but due to all the rotoscoping going on it looked more like a black blob on a red background. And that black blob killed a bunch of other black blobs to get the ring, but then was killed by some other black blobs and ended up dumping the thing into the river from "The Sword in the Stone".
I'll wiggle my bare ass at you. Gollum: Several thousand years later the ring was found via dumb luck by a couple of midgit Beatles. Just to be a jerk, one of the midgit Beatles killed the other and took the ring, thereby becoming an angry muppet in the process. Gollum.
Bakshi Bakshi: And then there's all that stuff that happened in that other story, as animated by those other people. Hmm, let's just skip that and go straight to Bilbo's last birthday in the Shire, shall we?
Ugly midgit with a lazy eye. Bilbo: Whatever you say, but please, please make the rotoscoping stop. It makes me want to just disappear!
Frodo, I built you to choose your own path in life. Gandalf: I don't know what's worse: your jokes or your lack of respect for satanic jewelry.
Bilbo Bilbo: My precious? Satanic? Ooh, I'll kill you for saying that! .........oh.
Sam finds a use for the One Ring. Frodo: My, what a funny little ring my uncle has given me. I hope Gandalf's deep fear of it doesn't mean it's evil.
Gandalf Gandalf: Frodo, I've come to tell you that your ring is eeeeevil. EEEEEVIL! Just to make my point clear, I'll gesture wildly and stare wide-eyed at the sky while I say it. EEEEEVIL!!!
Frodo Frodo: Oh, well then let's take a walk outside and talk openly about it like we'd never, ever do in the book.
Gandalf Gandalf: Good idea. Then I can use the bushes to go bobbing for hobbits. Hullo, Sam. Want to go see elves?
Watch me steal Fred's fruity pebbles. Sam: Duh, yeah, and I also want to find Master Bakshi and ask him how he managed to make me a stupider character than ever.
Evil Pascal. Saruman: In a different setting, I'd probably kidnap Gandalf, create Ring Man, and try to defeat Gandalf's midgit superhero. Instead I guess I'll just kidnap Gandalf, create the One Ring, and ignore Gandalf's midgit superhero altogether.
Frodo Frodo: Merry, Sam, Pippin, I want you all to watch as I demonstrate Rule #1 of surviving in a eurocentric fantasy world: always stay away from black people.
WASSZZAAAAAP! Ringwraith: Where da hobbit at? Where da hobbit at?
Zelda's art style could be worse. Merry: Woah, wait a minute. I just realized that we haven't established any sort of reason for our sudden presence in this movie. Um... we know all about your ring and are going to follow you whether you like it or not.
Frodo Frodo: Oh, you loveable backstabbers.
Sam Sam: Master Bakshi, since we're still making a vain attempt to cram all three books into one movie here, what say we skip all the Tom Bombadil stuff and go get drunk?
Bakshi Bakshi: Works for me, since that way I can go back to my beautiful, wonderful rotoscoping! Live action footage techniques that look much worse than actual live action are the wave of the future.
Frodo Frodo: My uncle Bilbo always told me that the best way to lay low is to dance on the tables for everyone's enjoyment. See? I'm practically invisible.
Level 20 Ranger. Strider: Frodo, you suck. And your puns are even worse.
Sam Sam: Why should we listen to you?
Strider Strider: Because I'm a level 20 ranger and can easily kill you all.
Frodo Frodo: Oh, well that clinches it then. You're definitely our friend.
Merry Merry: Dude, these three black guys just, like, jumped me in the alley back there.
Ringwraiths Ringwraiths: We'll kill you, and your flesh-colored pillows too! Mwahahahaha!
Frodo Frodo: They're still following us! And now they're half-invisible! Hey, that gives me a really great idea.
Strider Strider: Putting on the ring to escape the ringwraiths, eh? What a terrible idea.
Ringwraith Ringwraith: Hey, we're not complaining that he just made himself susceptible to our attacks. Ninja stab!
Strider Strider: Welp, Frodo's got approximately as long as it'll take to find help for him to live. Let's take our time hurrying.
Human with gender-identity issues. Legolas: Hey, uh, am I late?
Strider Strider: No, you're early. But we need a few scenes in between black rider attacks to keep the movie from seeming repetitive and over-detailed. Like the books.
Sam Sam: Wh, what the...? You mean elves look just like humans with gender-identity crises? Man, that blows a hole in my most convincing motivation. Now I'll just have to fall back on obsessive and slightly creepy loyalty.
Ringwraiths Ringwraiths: GRR-BAH!!!
Frodo Frodo: Wow, I was expecting a few more filler scenes before we'd have to deal with this again. Time to leave the relative safety of my companions!
Ringwraith Ringwraith: Come. We will take you back to Mordor. Come. We will take you back to Mordor. Come. We will take you back to Mordor.
Frodo Frodo: Oh yeah? Well, you're just all gonna have to cross this small stream first, so nyah!
Ringwraith Ringwraith: Okay, I want to cast my "Snap fingers to shut up annoying hobbit" spell.
Bakshi Bakshi: Hmm. Your spell succeeded, but you seem to have failed your "Crossing stream without having it turn into a stampede of water-horses" roll.
Gandalf Gandalf: Well Frodo, are you going to wake up and thank me for that convenient Deus Ex Machina?
Bilbo Bilbo: Or are you going to join me in being uncharacteristically nihilistic?
Frodo Frodo: If you don't mind, I'd rather just advance the plot a bit.
Bring me a shrubbery. Boromir: Hi, I'm Boromir. I'm looking for a broken sword.
Strider Strider: My sword's broken!
BOROMIR joined!
Gandalf Gandalf: Our best bet is to send a small, weak little hobbit deep into enemy territory. And no, not you Bilbo. Nobody wants to watch an ugly midgit with a lazy eye for the rest of the film.
Bilbo Bilbo: Hey, I'd make a good shopkeeper though. Here Frodo, take this +5/+5 Dagger of Stinging and this Disco Shirt with +8 against spears.
Strider Strider: All right, we're going to go with nine people in our party to counter the nine people in the enemy party. Symbolism always takes precedence over tactical planning.
Gandalf Gandalf: So we have me, Strider, Boromir, the four hobbits, and Legolas and Gimli just to stir up the race pool.
World's biggest dwarf. Gimli: We're different races? Why aren't we different heights, then?
Boromir Boromir: And why are we going through Moria, which contains certain danger?
Gandalf Gandalf: Because it's safer than possibly facing an equal threat that's thus far failed to materialize itself.
Frodo Frodo: Gandalf says it's the best way, and I haven't hit that point in the story where I grow a spine yet. To Moria! Mind the tentacle creature on your way in.
Sam Sam: Argh! The tentacle creature's got my ass!
The author of this thumbnail theatre would like to apologize for the preceding joke and promises that it will never happen again.
Gandalf Gandalf: Danger danger death death danger. Okay, that's enough foreshadowing. Let's be in danger!
I'm a Level 27 Vice President. Gary Gygax: What the... hey! You're a wizard! You can't have an agility roll like that! And... is that a sword you're equipped with?
Gandalf Gandalf: Hey, I'm a Level 90 wizard, baby. Horrible, absolute death probably couldn't even stop me.
Fire elemental at 2 in the morning. Balrog: We'll see about that.
Gandalf Gandalf: Get out of the way, everybody! Can't you see I'm trying to nobly sacrifice myself here? ACHOOOOO!
Strider Strider: Gandalf's toast. That sucks. Let's go to Lothlorien!
Gimli Gimli: I don't wanna go to Lothlorien! I'd explain why but we don't have enough time in this film to mention that dwarves are supposed to hate elves.
Puppy dogs and acid rain. Galadriel: Wanna look into my mirror? It shows things that may be in the past, present or future and is always either true or false.
Frodo Frodo: Jeez, what a useless magical device. Here, take my ring instead.
Galadriel Galadriel: Ooh, can I? Then I'd be good and bad and everybody would love me and hate me and I'd fill the world with puppy dogs and goblins and rainbows and acid rain! Ahahaheeheehee!
Frodo Frodo: Okay, I get it. Bad idea.
Strider Strider: Soon we will have to make the difficult decision of whether to go to Minas Tirith or Mordor. Now is the time that we have delayed for so long: time to make the difficult decision of whether to go to Minas Tirith or Mordor.
Frodo Frodo: I understand that Mr. Bakshi's trying to speed up the narrative a bit, but I still haven't quite grown a spine yet so I'd like to take an hour alone to think about it.
Boromir Boromir: While you're making your unbiased decision between giving me the ring or going to Mordor, let me urge you to give me the ring. And by "urge", I mean "force".
Frodo Frodo: What, this ring that I'm using to thwart you? Heh heh heh.
Boromir Boromir: Hey Strider, sorry I scared off Frodo and probably plunged the world into unending doom due to my greed.
Strider Strider: It just wouldn't be a thumbnail theatre if I didn't say, Boromir, you suck.
It's a shit demon. Orcs: ARR HOBBITS!
Boromir Boromir: Good thing Merry and Pippin just gave me a chance to redeem myself. CHAAAAARGE! ...ow!
BOROMIR died.
Strider Strider: Okay, I take that back. Boromir, you REALLY suck.
Frodo Frodo: Oh, hey Sam. Come to join me for the real plot of the book?
Sam Sam: Hopefully Master Bakshi will just focus on our part of the story and wrap this thing up before it overtakes "It's a Wonderful Life" in length.
Bakshi Bakshi: I could do that... but... the other plot thread has more battles, and more battles means more ROTOSCOPING!
Orcs Orcs: GRR ISENGARD!!!
Bakshi Bakshi: With rotoscoping, you can add the He-Man hairstyle to an entire cast of extras!
Get equipped with Leaf Shield. Treebeard: Hello, I'm Captain Planet. I'm not much interested in current events, but I do hate orcs because they're all eco-villains.
Frodo Frodo: All right, Sam, on three, you attack Gollum and then I leap out and act like he's the violent one.
Gollum Gollum: Argh! Please, if you release me from these bondage ropes, I'll wiggle my bare ass at you and say things about how you're my master!
Frodo Frodo: I think I'm going to regret this in more ways than one.
Strider Strider: We've been running for so long looking for Merry and Pippin. It would probably help if we had a destination or something.
OLD MAN approaches!
Gimli Gimli: What's that, an old man in robes? It must be an evil wizard! Kill it!
Gandalf Gandalf: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Gandalf, but I have gone to Dark World and now I am WHITE GANDALF!
Strider Strider: Wow, how did you survive?
Gandalf Gandalf: It's a long story that basically boils down to this: WIZARDS IN TOLKIEN'S WORLD ARE COMPLETELY INVULNERABLE! Now let's go meet Theoden, pawns.
Let's go kill orcs. Theoden: Gandalf, my scheming chancellor tells me not to trust you.
Gandalf Gandalf: Wormtongue, you suck.
I said that the droids need more oil, sir. Wormtongue: I do? Oh, well then I'm defeated. Goodbye.
Theoden Theoden: Well, that was easy. Let's go kill some orcs.
Frodo Frodo: Is it just me or is the narrative quickly losing coherency?
Gollum Gollum: I don't know. Maybe -She- could help us.
Frodo Frodo: Oh, that explains it.
Bakshi Bakshi: Yes, yes! More rotoscoping!
Sam Sam: Um, Master Bakshi?
Bakshi Bakshi: I will make the greatest live-action/pseudo-animated battle sequence ever! It will be an hour long! It will have a thousand extras! It will...
Sam Sam: Master Bakshi...
Bakshi Bakshi: Give me a "Ro"! Give me a "To"! Give me a "Scope"! Give me an "Ing"! What's that spell? ROTOSCOPING!
Sam Sam: MASTER BAKSHI!!!
Bakshi Bakshi: What is it? Can't you see you're tampering with genius here?
Sam Sam: Um, Master Bakshi, the budget just ran out.
Bakshi Bakshi: Oh. Well, on to Plan B then.
Gandalf Gandalf: Me am use my Pretty Wizard Deus Ex Machina Power X! Me am do it, Bakshipoo!
Bakshi Bakshi: And then evil disappeared from Middle Earth and everybody lived happily ever after and stuff. The end.
Frodo Frodo: What?
Sam Sam: Huh?
Sauron Sauron: I beg your pardon?
Strider Strider: The hell?
Ringwraiths Ringwraiths: Come. We will take you back to Mordor. I mean, what?
Legolas Legolas: What the...?
Gimli Gimli: By Boring's nose hairs, what?
Merry Merry: Nani?
A trophy daughter. Eowyn: Hey, er, do I ever speak in this film?
A very slight eccentricity in Earth's orbit. J.R.R. Tolkien: In the name of Winkin, son of Blinkin and king of Nod, what the hell are you doing?
Gandalf Gandalf: Well, it's quite obvious. Evil was defeated simply because I AM THE MAN!
Tolkien Tolkien: You can't defeat Sauron just by slaying a few orcs, you bloody old fool!
Gandalf Gandalf: Well, in the original story Sauron was defeated just because he lost his favorite piece of jewelry. I figure this makes just about as much sense, plus it has more of ME!
Bakshi Bakshi: And more rotoscoping!
Tolkien Tolkien: ...I hate you both.

EPILOGUE

Tolkien Tolkien: Bakshi, you suck. You couldn't make a decent fantasy flick if your life depended on it.
Bakshi Bakshi: Hey, I'll have you know that "Fritz the Cat" grossed more than forty million worldwide!
Tolkien Tolkien: Um... wrong kind of fantasy.
Warner Prez: Hmm, this Lord of the Rings thing sure is generating a lot of hype. Is there any way we can capitalize on it?
Warner Exec.: Well, there's the Bakshi film, but it's terribly bad...
Warner Pres.: No, this is perfect. When we release this film, the masses will no longer have any desire to see the live action Lord of the Rings movie. New Line will fall, and another major competitor shall be shattered!
Warner Exec.: Wait, that fighting technique! You're not the Warner President at all, you're...!!!
Rotoscoped Satan. Bill Gates: Hmm hmm hmm. Yes... it took me some time to be able to take control of this body, but now I control one of the men who own the world's most underhanded merger. Soon all the world will belong to me, William H. Gates! Bwahahahahahaha!
Tolkien Tolkien: Wait a minute, live-action movie? Who's defacing my legacy this time?
Muppet fuck. Peter Jackson: Hi, I'm Peter Jackson, also known as the "Dead Alive" guy.
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Tolkien Tolkien: All this spinning is making me dizzy.
Fin
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