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Ralph Bakshi: In the beginning, God created rotoscoping. And
from that rotoscoping, he created the rotoscoped elves. And those
rotoscoped elves created a bunch of magic rings: nine for the rotoscoped
humans, five for the rotoscoped dwarves, and three for the rotoscoped elf
kings. |
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Sauron: But then, the rotoscoped Satan, henceforth
referred to as me, practiced sorcery to make a bad ring filled with
evil. |
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Ilsidur: Suddenly, a light shone forth, but due to all the
rotoscoping going on it looked more like профессии в IT сфере a black blob on a red background.
And that black blob killed a bunch of other black blobs to get the ring, but
then was killed by some other black blobs and ended up dumping the thing
into the river from "The Sword in the Stone". |
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Gollum: Several thousand years later the ring was found via dumb
luck by a couple of midgit Beatles. Just to be a jerk, one of the midgit
Beatles killed the other and took the ring, thereby becoming an angry muppet
in the process. Gollum. |
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Bakshi: And then there's all that stuff that happened in that
other story, as animated by those other people. Hmm, let's
just skip that and go straight to Bilbo's last birthday in the Shire, shall
we? |
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Bilbo: Whatever you say, but please, please make the
rotoscoping stop. It makes me want to just disappear! |
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Gandalf: I don't know what's worse: your jokes or your lack of
respect for satanic jewelry. |
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Bilbo: My precious? Satanic? Ooh, I'll kill you
for saying that! .........oh. |
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Frodo: My, what a funny little ring my uncle has given me. I
hope Gandalf's deep fear of it doesn't mean it's evil. |
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Gandalf: Frodo, I've come to tell you that your ring is eeeeevil.
EEEEEVIL! Just to make my point clear, I'll gesture wildly and stare
wide-eyed at the sky while I say it. EEEEEVIL!!! |
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Frodo: Oh, well then let's take a walk outside and talk openly
about it like we'd never, ever do in the book. |
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Gandalf: Good idea. Then I can use the bushes to go bobbing for
hobbits. Hullo, Sam. Want to go see elves? |
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Sam: Duh, yeah, and I also want to find Master Bakshi and ask him
how he managed to make me a stupider character than ever. |
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Saruman: In a different setting, I'd probably kidnap Gandalf,
create Ring Man, and try to defeat Gandalf's midgit superhero. Instead I
guess I'll just kidnap Gandalf, create the One Ring, and ignore Gandalf's
midgit superhero altogether. |
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Frodo: Merry, Sam, Pippin, I want you all to watch as I
demonstrate Rule #1 of surviving in a eurocentric fantasy world: always
stay away from black people. |
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Ringwraith: Where da hobbit at? Where da hobbit at? |
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Merry: Woah, wait a minute. I just realized that we haven't
established any sort of reason for our sudden presence in this movie. Um...
we know all about your ring and are going to follow you whether you like it
or not. |
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Frodo: Oh, you loveable backstabbers. |
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Sam: Master Bakshi, since we're still making a vain attempt to
cram all three books into one movie here, what say we skip all the Tom
Bombadil stuff and go get drunk? |
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Bakshi: Works for me, since that way I can go back to my
beautiful, wonderful rotoscoping! Live action footage techniques that look
much worse than actual live action are the wave of the future. |
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Frodo: My uncle Bilbo always told me that the best way to lay low
is to dance on the tables for everyone's enjoyment. See? I'm practically
invisible. |
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Strider: Frodo, you suck. And your puns are even worse. |
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Sam: Why should we listen to you? |
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Strider: Because I'm a level 20 ranger and can easily kill you
all. |
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Frodo: Oh, well that clinches it then. You're definitely our
friend. |
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Merry: Dude, these three black guys just, like, jumped me in the
alley back there. |
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Ringwraiths: We'll kill you, and your flesh-colored pillows too!
Mwahahahaha! |
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Frodo: They're still following us! And now they're
half-invisible! Hey, that gives me a really great idea. |
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Strider: Putting on the ring to escape the ringwraiths, eh? What
a terrible idea. |
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Ringwraith: Hey, we're not complaining that he just made himself
susceptible to our attacks. Ninja stab! |
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Strider: Welp, Frodo's got approximately as long as it'll take to
find help for him to live. Let's take our time hurrying. |
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Legolas: Hey, uh, am I late? |
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Strider: No, you're early. But we need a few scenes in between
black rider attacks to keep the movie from seeming repetitive and
over-detailed. Like the books. |
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Sam: Wh, what the...? You mean elves look just like humans with
gender-identity crises? Man, that blows a hole in my most convincing
motivation. Now I'll just have to fall back on obsessive and slightly
creepy loyalty. |
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Ringwraiths: GRR-BAH!!! |
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Frodo: Wow, I was expecting a few more filler scenes before we'd
have to deal with this again. Time to leave the relative safety of my
companions! |
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Ringwraith: Come. We will take you back to Mordor. Come. We
will take you back to Mordor. Come. We will take you back to Mordor. |
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Frodo: Oh yeah? Well, you're just all gonna have to cross this
small stream first, so nyah! |
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Ringwraith: Okay, I want to cast my "Snap fingers to shut up
annoying hobbit" spell. |
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Bakshi: Hmm. Your spell succeeded, but you seem to have failed
your "Crossing stream without having it turn into a stampede of
water-horses" roll. |
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Gandalf: Well Frodo, are you going to wake up and thank me for
that convenient Deus Ex Machina? |
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Bilbo: Or are you going to join me in being uncharacteristically
nihilistic? |
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Frodo: If you don't mind, I'd rather just advance the plot a bit. |
 |
Boromir: Hi, I'm Boromir. I'm looking for a broken sword. |
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Strider: My sword's broken! |
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BOROMIR joined! |
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Gandalf: Our best bet is to send a small, weak little hobbit deep
into enemy territory. And no, not you Bilbo. Nobody wants to watch an
ugly midgit with a lazy eye for the rest of the film. |
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Bilbo: Hey, I'd make a good shopkeeper though. Here Frodo, take
this +5/+5 Dagger of Stinging and this Disco Shirt with +8 against spears. |
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Strider: All right, we're going to go with nine people in our
party to counter the nine people in the enemy party. Symbolism always takes
precedence over tactical planning. |
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Gandalf: So we have me, Strider, Boromir, the four hobbits, and
Legolas and Gimli just to stir up the race pool. |
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Gimli: We're different races? Why aren't we different heights,
then? |
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Boromir: And why are we going through Moria, which contains
certain danger? |
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Gandalf: Because it's safer than possibly facing an equal threat
that's thus far failed to materialize itself. |
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Frodo: Gandalf says it's the best way, and I haven't hit that
point in the story where I grow a spine yet. To Moria! Mind the tentacle
creature on your way in. |
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Sam: Argh! The tentacle creature's got my ass! |
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The author of this thumbnail theatre would like to apologize for the
preceding joke and promises that it will never happen again. |
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Gandalf: Danger danger death death danger. Okay, that's enough
foreshadowing. Let's be in danger! |
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Gary Gygax: What the... hey! You're a wizard! You can't have an
agility roll like that! And... is that a sword you're equipped with? |
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Gandalf: Hey, I'm a Level 90 wizard, baby. Horrible,
absolute death probably couldn't even stop me. |
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Balrog: We'll see about that. |
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Gandalf: Get out of the way, everybody! Can't you see I'm trying
to nobly sacrifice myself here? ACHOOOOO! |
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Strider: Gandalf's toast. That sucks. Let's go to Lothlorien! |
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Gimli: I don't wanna go to Lothlorien! I'd explain why but we
don't have enough time in this film to mention that dwarves are supposed to
hate elves. |
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Galadriel: Wanna look into my mirror? It shows things that may
be in the past, present or future and is always either true or false. |
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Frodo: Jeez, what a useless magical device. Here, take my ring
instead. |
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Galadriel: Ooh, can I? Then I'd be good and bad and everybody
would love me and hate me and I'd fill the world with puppy dogs and goblins
and rainbows and acid rain! Ahahaheeheehee! |
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Frodo: Okay, I get it. Bad idea. |
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Strider: Soon we will have to make the difficult decision of
whether to go to Minas Tirith or Mordor. Now is the time that we have
delayed for so long: time to make the difficult decision of whether to go
to Minas Tirith or Mordor. |
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Frodo: I understand that Mr. Bakshi's trying to speed up the
narrative a bit, but I still haven't quite grown a spine yet so I'd
like to take an hour alone to think about it. |
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Boromir: While you're making your unbiased decision between
giving me the ring or going to Mordor, let me urge you to give me the ring.
And by "urge", I mean "force". |
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Frodo: What, this ring that I'm using to thwart you? Heh heh
heh. |
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Boromir: Hey Strider, sorry I scared off Frodo and probably
plunged the world into unending doom due to my greed. |
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Strider: It just wouldn't be a thumbnail theatre if I didn't say,
Boromir, you suck. |
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Orcs: ARR HOBBITS! |
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Boromir: Good thing Merry and Pippin just gave me a chance to
redeem myself. CHAAAAARGE! ...ow! |
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BOROMIR died. |
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Strider: Okay, I take that back. Boromir, you REALLY suck. |
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Frodo: Oh, hey Sam. Come to join me for the real plot of the
book? |
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Sam: Hopefully Master Bakshi will just focus on our part of the
story and wrap this thing up before it overtakes "It's a Wonderful Life" in
length. |
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Bakshi: I could do that... but... the other plot thread
has more battles, and more battles means more ROTOSCOPING! |
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Orcs: GRR ISENGARD!!! |
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Bakshi: With rotoscoping, you can add the He-Man hairstyle to an
entire cast of extras! |
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Treebeard: Hello, I'm Captain Planet. I'm not much interested in
current events, but I do hate orcs because they're all eco-villains. |
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Frodo: All right, Sam, on three, you attack Gollum and then I
leap out and act like he's the violent one. |
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Gollum: Argh! Please, if you release me from these bondage
ropes, I'll wiggle my bare ass at you and say things about how you're my
master! |
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Frodo: I think I'm going to regret this in more ways than one. |
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Strider: We've been running for so long looking for Merry and
Pippin. It would probably help if we had a destination or something. |
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OLD MAN approaches! |
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Gimli: What's that, an old man in robes? It must be an evil
wizard! Kill it! |
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Gandalf: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Gandalf, but I have
gone to Dark World and now I am WHITE GANDALF! |
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Strider: Wow, how did you survive? |
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Gandalf: It's a long story that basically boils down to this:
WIZARDS IN TOLKIEN'S WORLD ARE COMPLETELY INVULNERABLE!
Now let's go meet Theoden, pawns. |
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Theoden: Gandalf, my scheming chancellor tells me not to trust
you. |
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Gandalf: Wormtongue, you suck. |
 |
Wormtongue: I do? Oh, well then I'm defeated. Goodbye. |
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Theoden: Well, that was easy. Let's go kill some orcs. |
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Frodo: Is it just me or is the narrative quickly losing
coherency? |
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Gollum: I don't know. Maybe -She- could help us. |
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Frodo: Oh, that explains it. |
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Bakshi: Yes, yes! More rotoscoping! |
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Sam: Um, Master Bakshi? |
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Bakshi: I will make the greatest live-action/pseudo-animated
battle sequence ever! It will be an hour long! It will have a thousand
extras! It will... |
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Sam: Master Bakshi... |
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Bakshi: Give me a "Ro"! Give me a "To"! Give me a "Scope"!
Give me an "Ing"! What's that spell? ROTOSCOPING! |
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Sam: MASTER BAKSHI!!! |
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Bakshi: What is it? Can't you see you're tampering with genius
here? |
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Sam: Um, Master Bakshi, the budget just ran out. |
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Bakshi: Oh. Well, on to Plan B then. |
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Gandalf: Me am use my Pretty Wizard Deus Ex Machina Power X! Me
am do it, Bakshipoo! |
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Bakshi: And then evil disappeared from Middle Earth and everybody
lived happily ever after and stuff. The end. |
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Frodo: What? |
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Sam: Huh? |
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Sauron: I beg your pardon? |
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Strider: The hell? |
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Ringwraiths: Come. We will take you back to Mordor. I mean,
what? |
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Legolas: What the...? |
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Gimli: By Boring's nose hairs, what? |
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Merry: Nani? |
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Eowyn: Hey, er, do I ever speak in this film? |
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J.R.R. Tolkien: In the name of Winkin, son of Blinkin and king of
Nod, what the hell are you doing? |
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Gandalf: Well, it's quite obvious. Evil was defeated simply
because I AM THE MAN! |
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Tolkien: You can't defeat Sauron just by slaying a few orcs, you
bloody old fool! |
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Gandalf: Well, in the original story Sauron was defeated just
because he lost his favorite piece of jewelry. I figure this makes just
about as much sense, plus it has more of ME! |
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Bakshi: And more rotoscoping! |
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Tolkien: ...I hate you both. |
